No Fireworks

This morning after breakfast I finally found the courage and the words to talk to Dad about plans for my respite trip, which starts next Friday. I had run through all the worst-case scenarios in my mind – Dad curses at me; Dad becomes silent, hostile, and depressed; Dad flat out refuses to budge from his apartment. As usual, my fears were unfounded and a total waste of emotional energy.

Well, maybe not a total waste. It’s always useful to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Though I had even considered waiting until the very last minute to reveal the plans, I just couldn’t treat him the way I know I would not want to be treated myself. Give him some time to get used to the idea; give him time to ask questions and feel secure that he will have all the support he needs, my conscience told me.

With a Parkinsons patient suffering from dementia, you don’t know what to expect, and you can’t necessarily expect them to think or act logically. This is something I rediscover almost every day. Though I had talked about my trip many times, I was surprised that Dad had completely forgotten about it. But I did anticipate that he would respond better to a visual plan. So I got out a month-at-a-glance calendar and made notes on the days I would be gone, the days he would spend at the nursing facility with Mom, the days he would have assistance from the home health aid, the day Sis will pick him up to spend time at her place, and the day I will return. He stared at the calendar for about 45 minutes, sometimes dozing off. Each time I asked if he had any questions, he would return to the first marked day and read the notes aloud, then he’d stare and doze some more.

Now, my challenge is to tell Mom about my trip. I worry that when she learns Dad will be staying “with” her (down the hall), she’ll think she’ll have to take care of him and will worry that she can’t. I worry that she will become further depressed and will fear I’m abandoning her. I’ll wait to tell her when Sis is here with me. Her presence will reinforce the fact that Sis will be available to visit and to help as needed.

I hope that I can keep Mom’s and Dad’s concerns, if they have any, on a higher level rather than in the nitty-gritty details. My job is to make sure the nursing facility has Dad’s medications, knows his daily habits and needs, and is prepared to make his stay a positive experience. He may end up there long-term eventually. I pray he may even look forward to it.

Sue