Change

Change is hard for just about anyone. But imagine you’re 84 years old; you have Parkinsons with dementia and paranoia; your wife of 61 years has just died; and your daughters are taking over your finances and putting you in a “memory care” facility. Such is the major life change my father is experiencing.

Sis and I are trying to be as gentle as possible. We give Dad enough information to feel confident we’re taking care of him, but not so much that he becomes overwhelmed. It’s a delicate balance. Last night he asked me to “tell me everything you know about what’s going to happen…this place I’m going…”

I drew him a diagram representing the continuous care community where he and Mom have lived for the past three years. I demonstrated with arrows on the diagram how the facility is designed to meet changing needs from independent living to assisted living (and memory care) to skilled nursing. I reminded him that Mom was able to take advantage of the skilled nursing services, and that all those levels of service are here for him, too. As gently as I could, I reminded him that he cannot live alone, and that Sis and I must make sure he gets the help he needs. He studied the diagram for about an hour, then asked me to explain it to him again.

Moving day is Monday. I’ve arranged for a home health aid to stay with Dad while Sis, her partner, and I work with the movers and get the new place looking as much like home as possible. Then, we’ll all go out to dinner – an early birthday celebration for Sis. After dinner, I’ll help the staff in his new place get him settled for bed.

All this change isn’t much easier on me. I’m a nervous wreck thinking about Dad’s potential reactions to his first night in his new place. Will he notice right away that it’s a “lock-down” unit to keep residents from wandering? Will he look at the other residents – most with Alzheimers – and think he’s been misdiagnosed? Will he be frightened to stay there “alone” that first night? Will he be terribly angry with me the next day?

In rational moments, I know I’m doing the right thing for the right reasons. I just have to keep reminding myself.

Sue