Decisions, decisions

Note to caregivers: Don’t necessarily expect your elders to be able to make their own life and death decisions.

On Monday, I took Mom to meet with a radiation oncologist to explore the pros and cons of radiation treatments for someone of her age and condition. First, we met with a nurse practitioner who answered most of our questions. She left the most difficult question to the doctor – Given what you know about the pathology of her cancer, what is her prognosis with and without the radiation? The answer: “Without radiation there’s about a 50-50 chance the cancer will come back. With the radiation, the chance of it coming back is about half that.”

We also talked about side effects – damage (possibly permanent) to the salivary glands and taste buds, sore throat, skin irritation, and the exhausting trips to the hospital five days a week for six or seven weeks.

I wasn’t sure how much of this Mom was absorbing. We had brainstormed the questions in advance, but in the moment, she seemed too overwhelmed to comprehend. On the way home, I said, “Mom, you don’t have to decide right now; we need to talk a couple more people before we have enough information. But what do you think is the most important thing you heard today?”

“That doctor really didn’t say much,” she said.

“What about the nurse; what was the most important thing you heard from her?”

“Oh, she was very smart; she knew what she was talking about,” Mom said.

Later in the afternoon, I took Dad over to Mom’s room and with the two of them together told Dad what the doctor said. I thought by hearing it again, it would sink in a little more for Mom.

I don’t want to overwhelm her. I don’t want to depress her with cold, hard facts of her situation. But neither do I want to make this decision for her if I can help it. However, later, I told Sis on the phone that I’m afraid she and I will have to make all the important decisions – radiation, living arrangements, finances, etc. – and carefully present them in a way that helps Mom and Dad feel like full participants but also feel secure in the guidance and support they have from us.

The most important thing I heard at that appointment was the last thing the nurse said as we were leaving, “Whatever decision you make will the right one.”

Sue