Processing Loss

A divorce mediator once told me that the person filing for separation or divorce has most likely put a lot of time and thought into that action before taking it. He or she has already grieved the loss of relationship, while the other spouse does not begin the grieving process until the intent to separate is announced. The grieving may seem unequal, and indeed one may hurt more than the other, but it’s partly a question of timing.

So it seems with processing other types of loss. All these past three months, our family has been grieving Mom’s loss of vitality, independence, and cognitive function. And while we have hoped for the best outcome, I think we’ve already been grieving her inevitable death, whenever and however that may occur.

Thus, when Sis and I accompanied Mom to the doctor yesterday and heard the bad news that the cancer has returned, that Mom is not a good candidate for more surgery and might not be fit enough for radiation and chemo even if she wanted to choose those options, I think we were prepared for that truth.

I’m not sure about Mom’s processing. In recent weeks she’s said things like, “Well, the fun is over….This is the beginning of the end….I guess I’ll never be back here again (referring to her apartment)…” But after our appointment yesterday, she was visibly affected. It showed first as exhaustion, not surprising given the 90-degree weather and the long trip to the doctor’s office and back. Then, later, it registered as frustration and anger with the occupational therapist who was trying to engage her to exercise small motor and thinking skills with kids’ toys. And, by dinnertime, Mom could not, or would not, sit up straight in her wheelchair. Seeing her slumped over, not saying much, was heartbreaking.

I felt like she needed to process her feelings before talking about them, so I did not press her to talk about it. But going forward, I hope she will talk about her fears, desires, and yet-to-be-fulfilled dreams. Are there things she’d like to do and see while she is still able? How can we help her approach what lies ahead – whether it's more treatment or palliative care – with a sense of calm and completion?

We have another doctor to see – a medical oncologist – and then we may be ready to engage with hospice services.

Sue